You need to talk out there! - Part 2

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Communication Beyond The Field

Understanding how to communicate with others is a great springboard to understanding yourself and your standing in a larger group context. It’s important to make a quick distinction here. In younger children—perhaps third grade and lower—their minds are not fully capable of understanding that other people see them differently than they see themselves. If a first grader thinks he or she is the best player on the team, the belief may follow that the coach and even the other players see the same thing. For these younger players, developing a sense of self related to the group is really about feeling like they are part of the group and learning about friendship. However, for older children and adolescents, there is an opportunity to learn about what makes each person unique, and how every successful group relies heavily on individual differences.

At the age of eight, I knew I could kick a soccer ball farther than most, and I also knew I was slower than many of my peers. At that age, I just wanted to be a faster runner. What I wasn’t ever taught—and didn’t learn until much later—was that there was value in being able to “clear the ball.” No coach ever suggested I could compensate for my lack of speed by being aware of a play as it was developing, or getting in position to clear the ball. When coaches look at what a player has to contribute and then help bring that talent out, participants can better understand their value to the larger group.

Voices Of Many

Probably the greatest missed opportunity from my childhood soccer experiences was never learning that my voice mattered. I distinctly remember thinking during games that if the team tried this or that play, we might score every time, but I never dreamed of voicing those suggestions. Don’t coaches know best? Yes, when it comes to the skills they teach, they should know more than the participants. But kids have ideas that not only need to be heard, but should at times be followed.

One time in middle school—before any clear-cut rules on whether all players should have equal time on the field or only the better players should play to try to win—the coach asked the team what we thought. After some discussion, the players agreed to try to win, so I spent most of the season on the bench. Because the coach asked us and then did what we suggested, I was just fine on the pine. Regardless of the age of the participants, or the sport or activity, there are times when it is appropriate to ask players to weigh in, and then to show that that voice matters.

The ultimate goal of almost any youth program is for participants to have fun while developing healthy life skills. When coaches employ positive youth-development principles, those healthy skills become a habit. It would be wonderful if every child who participated in a program left knowing how to communicate thoughts and feelings as automatically as calling out, “man on!”

You need to talk out there! - Part 1

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Time to Talk

I can’t count the number of times I have heard a coach say, “You’ve got to talk out there!” But I never had a conversation with a coach about how to really communicate with my teammates on the field during a game. Similarly, while teamwork was a constant point of emphasis, no coach ever taught us what it meant to support one another. In retrospect, my teammates and I knew our field positions, but we were all left wondering what our roles were as members of the team.

 

Enlightened coaching involves more than teaching players how to shout, “I’m open” or “man behind.” Youngsters must also learn to encourage a teammate after a mistake, root for one another, and congratulate the opposing team at the end of the game. Beyond teaching skills, exceptional coaches must instruct young people on the best ways to share observations, talk with one another during the game, voice concerns, express feelings, and yes, even respectfully challenge coaches.

 

Do As I Say

Consider the relationship most coaches have with players. There is an inherent power differential that translates—for the average coach—into the expectation that players will do whatever they’re told. When coaches adopt this authoritarian position, older participants will mimic this behavior by directing the younger, less-experienced or less-confident players.

 

Although this top-down leadership works in some circumstances, such as an orchestra conductor or military leader, it doesn’t allow for clarification or questioning. Ultimately, this stance may limit the players’ understanding and lead to poor communication habits later. Participants shouldn’t question everything their coach says, but there are times when it’s appropriate. When coaches take the time to explain their rationale, ask for any questions, avoid being dismissive, and provide thoughtful answers, they cultivate genuine communication skills that will serve players long after the season ends.

If your friend jumped off a cliff would you? - Part 2

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Bringing It All Together

At this point you might be asking yourself, “What does this have to do with me or my programs?” The short answer is understanding the need to be cognizant that each member of a group is likely to pattern behavior after the models they see as similar to themselves or would like to become. So, in order to establish the type of positive dynamic desired, you can look to influence who the majority of the group views as models. Sounds easy, right? In reality, influencing who people look to isn’t exactly formulaic either.

In the ideal situation, a leader, coach, or instructor sets the tone by modeling positive/pro-social behavior that is then hopefully emulated by the group participants. And the reality is that this does happen frequently. But there are other situations where there isn’t a clear leader, or a leader models undesirable attitudes or behaviors, or even that one or more participants act out and become a negative model. In situations like these, consider the following:

First, when a clear leader is missing (for example, adult sports teams, open rec time, etc.), then it’s incumbent on you and your organization to establish, model, and enforce the type of behavior and attitude you want to see. If you expect fair play and sportsmanship, then require it, sanction those who play unfairly, and model those values in your own actions and interactions.

Second, if you have programs with leaders who model undesirable behavior (the overly aggressive youth-sports coach, a chronically negative counselor, etc.), then a conversation is necessary, and the positive behaviors of others (coaches, counselors, teachers, etc.) should be spotlighted and celebrated. By shifting attention to positive models, there is a greater chance the majority of participants will do what they see being praised and supported.

Finally, if individual participants consistently act out or cause unrest, try these tips. First, take an honest look at the program. Frequently poor behaviors (especially in children’s programs) are the result of an activity that is too simple, too complex, or too routine for the participants. By working to fit the program to the participants, it’s entirely possible to eliminate problem behaviors before they become normal. Second, if you deicide the program is not the issue, then you can work to shift attention and approval to those individuals who are “with the program,” and by doing so, help the majority of the group to stay positive. Usually, once the individual who was causing problems stops getting attention and sees another behavior being reinforced, he or she is likely to adapt their own actions to the norms of the larger group.

In the end, every group and individual is different. Fortunately, for all of us who work with an ever-shifting and evolving range of groups, some things remain constant. Hopefully, by keeping these ideas in mind, you can spend less time focusing on problem behavior and more time enjoying the energy that flows from great group dynamics.

If your friend jumped off a cliff would you? - Part 1

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A while back, I wrote about motivation and referenced the famous Nike “Just do it!” slogan, which got me thinking about some other 1980s and 1990s advertising campaigns and their celebrity messengers. One of the classics that came to mind was the “Just say no!” campaign championed by First Lady Nancy Reagan, which encouraged young people to stand up to their peers and say “no” to drugs. The root of the message was a simple call to resist the pressure from friends and society and to make individual, positive choices. An unfortunate byproduct of that campaign and others like it is that many people have skewed perceptions of “peer pressure” as only a negative. However, when harnessed effectively, peer pressure or peer influence can be a powerful tool in supporting and maintaining positive choices.

About You

Take a minute to think about a few groups that you are, or have been a part of (or better yet, in charge of). First, think about a group that had an overwhelming positive feel and culture. Who were the tone setters? What happened when the group faced adversity or when one or more members did something disruptive or unproductive?  Now think about a group that felt chaotic and uncomfortable. Who were the tone setters in that group? How were adversity and any disruptions addressed?

When you reflect on the positive group experience, the people who are the most salient in your memory are likely overwhelmingly positive, calm, and probably charismatic. When reflecting on a negative experience, the individuals who come to mind were likely unhappy and disruptive, and probably demanded a disproportionate amount of everyone’s time and attention to address their behavior(s) or interpersonal issues. In general, a group’s dynamic and overall culture is shaped by a few key individuals. The good news for those who work with youth is that by understanding how and why individuals become influential, they can be proactive in working behind the scenes to encourage groups to look to positive rather than disruptive tone setters.

Super Model = Super Power

Each of us has people we look up to or aspire to be like. Of course, celebrity and dashing good looks can increase an individual’s appeal, but the reality is that most of us actually emulate the behaviors of those individuals with whom we interact on a regular basis. So, why do we choose to pattern our behavior and thoughts after certain people while seemingly ignoring others?  Simply put, we tend to do what we see as “the norm” for people whom we perceive to be similar to ourselves in a given situation.

Let’s look at the initial part of the statement first. As a species, we have evolved to act the way we see others acting in order to fit in to a group. In the famous Asch-Line study (1951), individuals frequently agreed with the group (conspirators affiliated with the researchers) and gave answers they knew to be incorrect just to conform to the group (whom they had only recently met). Whenever there are groups (think teams, classes, even organizational departments), individual participants are predisposed to do what they believe will help them to best fit in. If negative, disruptive, and aggressive behavior is what they see, they will likely follow that. Conversely, if individuals witness positivity, kindness, and a sense of teamwork, then that is how they are likely to behave.

Considering the second part of the statement, numerous studies have demonstrated that individuals are more likely to emulate the behavior of someone whom they either believe is already similar to them, or whom they aspire to be like. The similarities can be real or perceived, and may be clearly evident or almost impossible for an observer to understand. For example, in general, boys are more likely to emulate a male model and girls are more likely to emulate a female one. Individuals who see themselves as athletic are likely to do what they see a successful athlete do, while those who view themselves as pranksters are more likely to pattern their behavior after a class clown. As a youth leader, it’s important to understand that, in every group, individuals are choosing (consciously or not) to act like those members of the group they perceive to be most like them.